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05242023 Dear Diary,

Updated: Jun 5, 2023

Dear Jeff,

I know exactly when you began to feel neglected and unwanted by me. It started the summer of 2021. Our relationship moved fast. We met in spring of 2018 and by fall of 2018 we moved in together. Back then, I had a lot of drama in my life dealing with my teenage sisters and my mom and you had a lot of drama with your children and your ex-wives. We leaned on each other during those hard times. I supported you and your children; you supported me as I tried to do what is best for my sisters and my mother. We needed someone and we were able to be that for each other. By 2020 the drama with my sisters was all worked out and the drama with your children was the calmest it had ever been. Finally, we could just live peacefully. However, 2020 was also the year of COVID. Like most people, I didn't work that much, in fact I hardly worked at all. So, all my free time I dedicated to you, our home, and our children. I homeschooled your children and taught them manners. I cooked all the meals and cleaned the house to perfection daily. Everything was taken care of, allowing you to have projects which I helped you with and allowing both of us free time. I had a lot of money and I'm a good money manager, so I paid for all of our big expenses like the hardwood floors and the new kitchen sink and the building of your home shop. I booked flights and trips for us as a couple but also for our family. We took a lot of trips. LA. Miami. Chicago. Atlanta. Pittsburg. Life was good. But then 2021 came. And while my drama was still at zero your drama was at an all-time high. In February, I spent over 5k for a team of lawyers to secure your children to your custody. I had to return to work full time and was up early in the mornings usually 6:00 AM. In March, I covered the expense for yet another family trip to Lake Lanier where we rented a boat house with a boat. By April my one-year-old nephew came to stay with us, I had to give him the time and energy that I used to give to you. I became busier than I’ve ever been. My days began before 6am and I didn’t stop running, running, running, until at least 8pm, usually later. Remember how I used to just stand in our room at night debating if I had the energy to take a shower. During this time, you did not become busier. You did not increase your work hours to help cover our increasing bills. You did not help more with the housework; in fact, you became upset when I asked you to do more chores. You did not cook more meals. You only cooked when I asked you to, and then it wasn’t a home cooked meal from scratch like I prepare but something easy and unhealthy like hotdogs. You did not even take on more responsibility for your own children, I took them to work with me most days so you could play basketball. The entire 2021 I begged for you to help me more, you didn't. Our house became increasingly messy and unorganized. I became increasingly frustrated. So, by the summer of 2021 you're starting to feel neglected by me. My face didn’t light up when you walked in the room. When you reached for me often times, I turned you down. I said no thank you to your attempts of affection. That summer most nights I sat up on purpose. I didn't snuggle down with you because I knew you would want sex from me, and I was too exhausted to even think about it. Rather than feeling like a disappointment for saying no or pretending to enjoy sex that I didn’t want, I sat up. I knew you'd fall asleep fast, so I sat up until you did then I went to sleep. What was I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel sexy when I don't even sleep.

Imagine how different our lives could have been had you only just stepped up and helped out.

Anyways, when you told me you felt I didn’t want you anymore and I told you it wasn’t true, that wasn’t a lie. I was just too insanely exhausted to feel sexy or contemplate an organism. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand why you felt neglected and why you felt I didn't want you anymore. It was never true, but I understand why you felt that.

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