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03072023 Dear Diary,

There are so many ways in which I failed you. I thought about you often during our last month together. I thought about you every day in fact. I wanted to go to you, to carefully remove you from the shelf, open you and share everything that had happened. I couldn't do it though, I was too ashamed. Too ashamed to admit that I failed at marriage. Too ashamed to admit that I got cheated on. Ashamed because it went on for months before I found out. Even more ashamed that I didn't trust my own intuition. I knew for months that something was wrong, that he didn't love me any more. Honestly, I didn't love him anymore either. But I stayed. I stayed and believed his lying words instead of my crying heart begging me to leave. I'm the most ashamed because I blamed his daughter for the unrest and bitterness in our home. I blamed her because it was always her fault in the past. Or maybe I just couldn't admit that it was Jeff. That he didn't want me anymore. That he didn't love me anymore. Maybe he never loved me. Perhaps he only ever loved what i did for him. That would explain why he stopped "loving me" when I became too overwhelmed to cater to him. whatever the reason, it doesnt matter now. What matters is how terrible i feel not knowing what ill fate begot you. I should have protected you better. I should have cradeled you in my arms and made sure you made it to the next chapter of my life. But you didn't and i'm forever sorry. I will keep hope alive that you were not destroyed and that somehow you make your way back to me one day.

Antoinette

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